When I think about Aaron, I can’t help but think about his love for music. As a child he liked music….as an adult, he absolutely LOVED music. It was one of his true passions. No he didn’t play an instrument…he just loved to listen to music and get lost in its melody. Aaron and I didn’t share a love for the same genre of music, but we did share a love for music. I never really gave that fact much thought until after his death.
There have been pivotal times in my life where music has helped me deal with particular situations or where music has spoken to me in a profound way. Aaron took that love of music to the next level. He loved everything about music…the beat, the words, and the feelings that it stirred in his soul. He loved it so much that he talked about it all the time. Sometimes…too much. I remember getting frustrated at times with his constant conversation about the bands he loved, how their music made him feel and how the words spoke to him. Now, I would give anything to hear him talk about the music he loved so much.
In the last few days, I’ve thought about the common interest Aaron and I shared with music, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I think he at least got some of his love for music from me….maybe not all of it…but a portion. Music sometimes has the ability to calm me in the midst of the grief that I feel. It also has the ability to bring me to my knees when it calls to mind a memory of Aaron or if the ballads strike too close to home. Even before February 1oth, music was how I started my day. Every single day, I listened and continue to listen to music on the way to work. It sets my tone for the day. I am really no different from Aaron…I love music too…he just loved it a little more than I did.
Not only did Aaron love to listen to music, he loved to dance to it as well. As my daughter put it…Aaron would “get it”. He would get lost in the music and would dance in conjunction with the beat and the melody. This love was squelched by nothing…not even an injury. In August, Aaron suffered an injury that left him in a boot for quite some time. A couple of months after his surgery and release from the hospital, he told me that he was going to a show. I didn’t think too much of it and thought that it would be good for him to get out and enjoy some good music with friends. Later that evening, I saw a picture and a video of Aaron up on his feet…dancing…hopping around like he didn’t even have anything wrong with his foot. The boy loved his music just like he loved the mountains. Music soothed his soul to the core.
Music, now, is extremely intense for me. Sometimes I can listen to it and sometimes I can’t. Many times, I just drive in silence lost in my thoughts about where I am at this point in my life. Sometimes, I feel like I’m living in a nightmare and that I’ll surely wake up soon. Often times, I drive and look at the clouds as I drive…hoping for a sign or looking for something in the clouds that will remind me of my Aaron. Sometimes, I think about all that will never be…I think about the dreams I had for Aaron and how those will never come to pass. It’s amazing all the things you can think about and how far your mind can take you in a 10-20 minute car ride. Day after day, I undoubtedly cry at some point in the car either while listening to music or while riding in silence.
When I do listen to music, almost every song I hear has some kind of message for me…Lauren Daigle’s song Trust in You makes me cry each time I hear it…the words are so strong and so relevant to my situation that tears just flow freely when I hear it. In her song, she sings, “Letting of every single dream. I lay each one down at Your feet. Every moment of my wandering, never changes what You see. I’ve tried to win this war, I confess….My hands are weary, I need your rest.” (Words from Lauren Daigle’s song Trust in You) This is exactly where I am at this point in my life. I’ve had to lay each dream for my son down at His feet….I’ve tried to win this war on my own…and my hands are weary. The song we played at his memorial is on my playlist on my phone…and sometimes I just need and want to hear it…it’s called Live Forever by Drew Holcombe. I could go on and on with the songs that make me think of Aaron and this part of my life. Most songs remind me of him in some way and almost all songs remind me that Aaron is no longer on this earth. So, music has become both a blessing and a curse for me, because it makes me think of Aaron in so many ways. It often heightens my senses and makes me very aware of how quickly life can and does change.
Music to my ears….would be to hear Aaron’s voice again….to hear his laughter again….to hear his endless talk about music….to see his blond hair and blue eyes again…to share our family humor stories again…to see my phone ring with his name appearing on the caller id. Unfortunately, I will no longer hear that music..ever again…So, I have to find something else concerning Aaron that is music to my ears…
And that would be what I’m doing now…sharing the wonderful memories of him that live in my mind and in my heart…that is now the music to my ears.