Music to My Ears

When I think about Aaron, I can’t help but think about his love for music. As a child he liked music….as an adult, he absolutely LOVED music. It was one of his true passions. No he didn’t play an instrument…he just loved to listen to music and get lost in its melody. Aaron and I didn’t share a love for the same genre of music, but we did share a love for music. I never really gave that fact much thought until after his death.

There have been pivotal times in my life where music has helped me deal with particular situations or where music has spoken to me in a profound way. Aaron took that love of music to the next level. He loved everything about music…the beat, the words, and the feelings that it stirred in his soul. He loved it so much that he talked about it all the time. Sometimes…too much. I remember getting frustrated at times with his constant conversation about the bands he loved, how their music made him feel and how the words spoke to him. Now, I would give anything to hear him talk about the music he loved so much.

In the last few days, I’ve thought about the common interest Aaron and I shared with music, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I think he at least got some of his love for music from me….maybe not all of it…but a portion. Music sometimes has the ability to calm me in the midst of the grief that I feel. It also has the ability to bring me to my knees when it calls to mind a memory of Aaron or if the ballads strike too close to home. Even before February 1oth, music was how I started my day. Every single day, I listened and continue to listen to music on the way to work. It sets my tone for the day. I am really no different from Aaron…I love music too…he just loved it a little more than I did.

Not only did Aaron love to listen to music, he loved to dance to it as well. As my daughter put it…Aaron would “get it”. He would get lost in the music and would dance in conjunction with the beat and the melody. This love was squelched by nothing…not even an injury. In August, Aaron suffered an injury that left him in a boot for quite some time. A couple of months after his surgery and release from the hospital, he told me that he was going to a show. I didn’t think too much of it and thought that it would be good for him to get out and enjoy some good music with friends. Later that evening, I saw a picture and a video of Aaron up on his feet…dancing…hopping around like he didn’t even have anything wrong with his foot. The boy loved his music just like he loved the mountains. Music soothed his soul to the core.

Music, now, is extremely intense for me. Sometimes I can listen to it and sometimes I can’t. Many times, I just drive in silence lost in my thoughts about where I am at this point in my life. Sometimes, I feel like I’m living in a nightmare and that I’ll surely wake up soon. Often times, I drive and look at the clouds as I drive…hoping for a sign or looking for something in the clouds that will remind me of my Aaron. Sometimes, I think about all that will never be…I think about the dreams I had for Aaron and how those will never come to pass. It’s amazing all the things you can think about and how far your mind can take you in a 10-20 minute car ride. Day after day, I undoubtedly cry at some point in the car either while listening to music or while riding in silence.

When I do listen to music, almost every song I hear has some kind of message for me…Lauren Daigle’s song Trust in You makes me cry each time I hear it…the words are so strong and so relevant to my situation that tears just flow freely when I hear it. In her song, she sings, “Letting of every single dream. I lay each one down at Your feet. Every moment of my wandering, never changes what You see. I’ve tried to win this war, I confess….My hands are weary, I need your rest.” (Words from Lauren Daigle’s song Trust in You) This is exactly where I am at this point in my life. I’ve had to lay each dream for my son down at His feet….I’ve tried to win this war on my own…and my hands are weary. The song we played at his memorial is on my playlist on my phone…and sometimes I just need and want to hear it…it’s called Live Forever by Drew Holcombe. I could go on and on with the songs that make me think of Aaron and this part of my life. Most songs remind me of him in some way and almost all songs remind me that Aaron is no longer on this earth. So, music has become both a blessing and a curse for me, because it makes me think of Aaron in so many ways. It often heightens my senses and makes me very aware of how quickly life can and does change.

Music to my ears….would be to hear Aaron’s voice again….to hear his laughter again….to hear his endless talk about music….to see his blond hair and blue eyes again…to share our family humor stories again…to see my phone ring with his name appearing on the caller id. Unfortunately, I will no longer hear that music..ever again…So, I have to find something else concerning Aaron that is music to my ears…

And that would be what I’m doing now…sharing the wonderful memories of him that live in my mind and in my heart…that is now the music to my ears.

18 thoughts on “Music to My Ears

  1. I remember once that Aaron was with us, he took his car down in the feild,near the house, He built a bon fire, I took him supplies to make smores. He turned his car radio on,made smores and danced. Sure would love to see that again.

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  2. One day you will both dance to the songs together again. Love your words, they are almost like a song. You have a beautiful soul and I’m sure Aaron would be proud of you.

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  3. You and I share a bond…..we both lost our sons, so young and way too soon. Thank you for sharing so many emotions that run through my heart as well…….

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  4. They lyrics to a song that I hold near to my heart are, “Sometimes He calms the storm with His whisper, “Peace, be still.” He can settle any sea, but it doesn’t mean He will. Sometimes He holds us close and watches the wind and waves roll by. Sometimes He calms the storm and other times He calms his child.” I pray that he will continue to calm you in this storm. Music is my medicine, I get it.

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  5. I know exactly what you mean about music and how it affects us. When Pat passed away all I could do the first week was sit at the computer and play his music over and over. That was 2002 and ipods, smart phones, etc., was not around. It was so smoothing to my soul. I could feel him as if he was next to me. Over the years music (mostly christian) has been my greatest friend. This morning I awoke missing my Mom. Still with guilt from not being able to care for her in my home. I miss her so! I am going to her grave on Sunday morning and I can’t wait. Somehow, I feel she will be waiting for me as she did every day in the nursing home. I know I will have to fight this grief for some time as I have been down this lonely road before. It never gets easier–you just get better at concealing your emotions. I pray for you constantly because I do have some insight as to the pain you are going through. How I wished we didn’t have to experience this type of emotion. Sorry, I didn’t mean to get into all that! I’m sending my love and prayers!

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  6. Keep writing Carmen.

    I’m his uncle. There are things I’ll always remember about him, things that will always remind me of him, but this is special.

    I know that part of this is working through your grief. I mean, that’s what started this isn’t it? I remember coming here the first time and seeing a line that read something like – a little about my son and my grief. I understand that. I hope you understand what you’re giving us in the process. Every post is like a little storybook glimpse into the past, into the bond between a mother and her son, into the man, the brother, the son and grandson, the nephew, and the friend we all miss.

    So, don’t conceal your emotions. There’s no need to. We love you. We miss him too. And I for one, like the memories. 🙂

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