Silence….most of the time we long for stretches of time when we can hear nothing but quiet. But, the silence I hear now is so loud sometimes that it’s almost deafening. And I’m not talking about a physical silence…I’m talking about a spiritual silence. It’s a lull that quiets your heart, your soul, and your mind. So that even in your own thoughts, you are lost in the stillness of your being. It’s like I can’t seem to hear anything…and the fact that I can’t seem to hear anything makes the silence that much louder. And sometimes, the physical silence is so loud, I can hear it ringing in my hears, threatening to vanquish any semblance of lucid thought.
Grief silences the person you were. It silences your motivation and your ability to look at the future with hope. Sometimes, it silences your will to carry on. Grief becomes a living, breathing entity which you have to battle every single day. It steals your will to believe and trust in what you have always found comfort. It takes your life and shatters it into a million pieces…and you are left trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together. Some of the shards of those pieces are so sharp that the mere act of touching them will cut you to the core. You try as hard as you can, but the pieces just don’t fit back together like they once did…because one significant piece is missing.
Grief silences your desire to be with others and to be in the company of others. It tells you that you are better off to be alone. Actually, grief tells you that you WANT to be alone…with limited access to those with whom you want to be. It isolates you to such a degree that social situations can become so overstimulating that grief makes you believe that isolation is better. So, we grievers tend to isolate ourselves not only for us, but for you as well. Our emotions are sometimes erratic…and you never know what emotion might be displayed.
Grief therefore silences your will to communicate with others. I have found it very difficult, since your untimely death, to communicate with others. I either have too much to say that isn’t relevant or I don’t have anything to say at all…which creates an uncomfortable silence in and of itself. It’s stressful to me to think that I have to think about what I’m going to say…almost like I have to plan it out…but I have nothing to plan. When I say that I have nothing to say…I literally mean that…and that’s true with even my closest family. I am at a loss for words with everyone.
Initially, grief silences your joy. All joy that you felt before when having any family gathering, is missing something….your loved one. Initially, it’s hard to feel joy in anything, but I am finding that joy is coming now in small ways. There are some things and some days that I can enjoy the new memories that are being made. But I still have to fight sadness…I have to fight back the thoughts that you will not be a part of that future. Some days I can fight that sadness, some days I can’t. It ebbs and flows, like the waves of the ocean.
Grief silences your being….you inner spiritual being. To me, this is the most significant silence of all. It’s the silence that hushes the beliefs and tenets you hold so dear. It brings you to a place where you can no longer pray and can no longer hear from prayer. It’s a dry, dessert land that leaves the bereaver searching for a word from God….just to hear Him. But it, often times, feels so alone. I’ve struggled with even praying….but even the small prayers that I pray seem to go unanswered. Maybe it’s because I’m in a place of wondering that leaves me in such a weary state.
Silence used to be music to my ears…but now, it deafens me with all that it says to me….It’s louder than any self talk going on in my head. Maybe that’s the problem…maybe I’m only listening to self talk and not listening for God.
Whatever the reason..remember that we grievers will often grieve in silence…..and that’s necessary for us. How we all choose to do that will be different for each of us. But one thing is for sure, we will all find ourselves in some sort of silence in dealing with the tragic loss of our loved one.
Where will you be in the silence?